


if we love(d) again

by cottonseve



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Romance, bittersweet?? ending, brief mention of other members, chanyeol is in a band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-20 07:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19988134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonseve/pseuds/cottonseve
Summary: in which chanyeol voices out his feelings through songs.





	if we love(d) again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soondubu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soondubu/gifts).



> To Yeolliepopday:
> 
> Thank you for giving me the chance to participate in this fic exchange. I had fun doing it although the journey has been challenging for me.
> 
> To soondubu:
> 
> Although the pairing isn't what you hoped for it would really mean a lot if you like this fic. I really had fun writing it, I enjoyed every moment during the writing process. I know my work is not perfect and I have still points to improve, I really hope you would enjoy reading this fic.
> 
> ~
> 
> I do not own any of the songs used in this fic. see end notes for the list of song used.

**if we love(d) again**

Blaring, deafening, thundering. Music fills the air without much effort. There is the distant thumping of speakers, heard even way back in the dressing rooms. But what Park Chanyeol hears louder is the beating of his heart and his rapid breathing. Sitting on a leather chair that looks brand new, which it probably is, Chanyeol waits for their turn. Chills ran up and down the length of his arms, an off-the-wall feeling comparable to love. And music, he did love. Music will forever be his external heartbeat, and his soul the poetic words in each songs' lyrics.

Tonight, Chanyeol will once again sing florid and sweet words for the crowd. An ode for his only love, this unbeknownst to everyone but him. There could be an audience of a billion but he cares for one person's opinion alone. So no, Chanyeol will not let himself be nervous. Specially not when so much is on the line. This night is the semi-finals and it will surely affect their future big time. Tonight's success is a big step closer towards their dreams. Their journey towards where they are now was a challenging one; years involving good and bad times. And who would have thought they would reach this far?

Chanyeol is brought back to reality as he hears a sharp knock at the door. "Get yourselves ready. You're up in five minutes."

The band looks at each other and exchange a few words of comfort — words such as we can do this to we've reached this far, what else can we not do? fills the room. They walk down the long hallway towards the stage. With every step they take, the noises increase. That, though, did not prepare them for the roaring of the crowd as they walked onto the stage. The sound of thousands of screaming crowd packed into a small area. All of it just a blur of faces as they walk closer to the front of the stage. Nerves were trying to take over Chanyeol's body but he calmly collects himself and in turn it only improves his performance. The beat in time with his heart, pumping music through his veins, Chanyeol closes his eyes and loses himself in the performance.

_Tonight, for no reason_

_I feel strange, oh no_

_In the faint light_

_A silhouette appears_

As Chanyeol opens his eyes he sees one clear face amongst the crowd. Even from a distance, he would always recognize that face. And at that moment, he did. This is the face of a person that he haven't seen for a long time. A face bringing back countless memories. Chanyeol doubts if the person is really him or his eyes are just playing tricks on him. He tries not to think about it and focuses on the performance. 

But then he can't help but questions what is that person even doing here? After so long, why is he here all of a sudden? Then Chanyeol suddenly feels an ache deep in his heart. A rush of different emotions courses through him. If only they weren't performing, he would have fallen to pieces. Clenching his fist, he tries so hard to even his breathing.

_When I see you, when I see you_

_When I see you_

Chanyeol loses himself in the other's beauty as he dedicates the verse for the said man. The other looks so similar from when they first met, and yet so different. His face still as handsome as ever. He looks so good-looking with his cheekbone structure and jawline. Surely anyone would fall for his cat-like smile. The other turns his gaze towards him. Suddenly, it's as if they are lost in each other's eyes.

_I keep getting chills_

_I’m feeling something way more_

_Dangerous than love_

Chanyeol then, realizes that like how the other man hasn't changed, his feelings for him remain the same. Different thoughts fill his head. He wants to keep that person closer. He wishes so bad for them to talk and laugh like they once did. If only everything was just some twisted dream, he would have hugged him tighter so that he'd never lose him again. Chanyeol loves him so much he doesn't know if he can handle it

_You’re beautiful that’s why I’m afraid_

_A deep trap, you’re looking at me_

_I’m already tied up_

_And going to you_

Chanyeol averts his eyes from that person but as if in a deep entrancement, Chanyeol can't help but look again.

Yeah don’t smile like thatWhen I see you, feels likeYou’re reading my mind, I get chills

The person smiles brightly, a smile Chanyeol no longer recognizes. A smile he haven't seen in a while. His lost love looks happier making Chanyeol think if not being together has indeed done him some good. Abruptly, the bright smile from the other changes to a sad one as if reading Chanyeol's thoughts.

_my heart keeps wanting you_

As the song comes to an end, Chanyeol remains entranced by the other's beauty. Everything is just a blur of events except for the other's eyes. Their stare too deep it is as if they saw into each-other's souls. His love knew his fears. He was everything Chanyeol could and would have asked for. Chanyeol only wishes for his love to come back to him, and as he watches him from the stage. If only they didn't lost themselves along the way, he would have told him and made him feel the gravity of his love.

Finally, they are down to their last song. Chanyeol explains to the audience that their last performance is a song of love, a seed that grows to form infinite branches, roots and blooms. Chanyeol seeks for the other's eyes as he dedicates this song to him.

As Chanyeol looks him in the eye, he remembers their memories together.

It was springtime when they had their first date. He was so anxious if everything will turn out well. Chanyeol waits for his lover outside the other's dormitory. He watches as the man walks towards him with a big smile on his face. Jongdae resembles the sun so much Chanyeol thinks. He feels as if he is blinded by how bright the young man always seem to be.

"Let's go" Jongdae says as he holds Chanyeol's hand. They walk while holding each other's hands toward the place Chanyeol chose.

As soon as they arrived, Jongdae's smile brightens and hugs Chanyeol. He hears a soft thank you whispered in his ear. Stunned, Chanyeol doesn't return the embrace immediately but after a while does so.

"You like it?" Chanyeol asks as he scratches the back of his head.

"Of course I do." Jongdae replies. "Besides where else would I get to see these much flowers?" he continues.

"Well I'm glad you like it" Chanyeol says as he forms a wide grin.

They walk around making memories together. Chanyeol takes pictures of Jongdae while he wasn't looking. His lover looks one with the flowers with how beautiful Jongdae is.

Then summer comes, Chanyeol together with some of his friends participate in a music festival. He brings Jongdae along. The second they were done with the performance he runs back to Jongdae. The moment their eyes met Jongdae, like always, produces a bright smile whenever he and Chanyeol are together.

"You were so great back there!" Jongdae says.

"Of course, you inspire me a lot." Chanyeol replies.

They spend the whole night together listening to the music around them. They dance, laugh, and smile together.

Fall comes and they are stuck studying. Studying may be the worst but being together makes it worthwhile. Together, they help each other out. Although there are moments wherein they felt stressed out, each other's company kept them sane.

Finally, it is winter. Winter may be Chanyeol's favorite season. It was when they had their first kiss. As they say, cold is good only if you're warm inside. There is warmth even in winter time. They were spending the Christmas sleding together, wintry trees standing with strength and grace surrounding them. Before the wintry air comes to breathe on their faces, they decided to spend their remaining time indoors.

Chanyeol and Jongdae stayed cuddled up in front of the fireplace watching as snow falls one after the other, waiting as the christmas cookies bake in the oven. Each other's company brings them so much comfort that both their eyes droop as tiredness is evident on their faces.

The scent of freshly baked cookies wake them from their nap, notifying them that it's dinnertime. They share a meal together as glowing candles illuminate their place.

Time passed by so quickly they haven't noticed the sky turned dark. With smiles on both their faces, they bid each other goodbye but not before sharing a deep, long kiss. After all it will be long before they see each other again with them visiting each of their relatives from different provinces.

_The four seasons pass us_

_One by one_

_Our love is filled_

_I’m falling in love with you_

Their performance ends and Chanyeol is back into reality. Loud cheers and claps are given to them. Chanyeol realizes how the crowd loved them. And yet, they can't believe they've reached this far and captured the hearts of many. Once, they were just boys dreaming of performing for an audience and now, here they are.

Everything was a blur of events. Chanyeol finds himself in a bar celebrating with his friends and bandmates. Although he is surrounded with countless of persons right now, he can't help but direct his mind to thoughts of his ex-lover. His mind is filled with thoughts and memories of Jongdae – from what they were to what they have become now. Just thinking about it makes his heart ache. Though they're breakup ended with them being in good terms, it has been so long since they've last seen each other because of the fact that Chanyeol tries so hard not to bump into Jongdae.

One of his bandmate notices how lost he is deep into his thoughts.

"Hey, what's gotten into you? You've been so lost in thought since after our performance. Dude, are you okay?"

"I'm okay, don't worry about it." Chanyeol says as he forces to form a smile.

"Yeol, why don't you loosen up a bit mate? This is a time for us to enjoy and celebrate." his other bandmate says.

For a while Chanyeol diverts his thoughts and tries to enjoy the night. After a number of drinks – five bottles to be exact, Chanyeol's mind drifts off again until his friend taps him on the shoulder.

"Chanyeol, you know we've known each other for so long. Yet we've never known the inspiration behind your songs?" his friend says. "Isn't it only fair for you to spill how you write admiring songs? Would you care to share some tips?"

Without second thoughts, probably with the influence of the alcohol, Chanyeol spills everything including how all of his songs are about Jongdae. From before they met – how he writes way back but was in slump – to the day he met Jongdae and wrote songs about him to their break up and yet until now he writes songs about his ex.

His revelation shocked most of his friends. The fact that they didn't know about Jongdae despite having known Chanyeol for so long.

One of his friends asks, "Do you still talk? Does this Jongdae guy know that you write songs about him?"

Before he can answer, his other friend choses to answer for him, "Of course not. They broke up remember?"

"No we don't talk but did end it on good terms." Chanyeol adds. "Also, I think I saw him a while ago during our performance."

I wonder what he is doing now? he thinks to himself but says it out loud instead which produces a laugh from his friends.

One friend of his then interrupts, "Maybe it is destiny that you guys met again." This causes him looks from the group.

"I don't think he wants to get back together." Chanyeol says.

"That wasn't what I meant. What I mean is that maybe this a way you can get, you know, some closure?" his friend says. "So why don't you try and talk to him?"

"I guess so." Chanyeol says while he scratches the back of his head. "Maybe I'll try."

♫

After that day, Chanyeol sees Jongdae more often but chooses to avoid him. Everytime Jongdae is near in sight, he quickly changes the direction his walking to or hides. One day his friend notices the difference in the way Chanyeol acts and asks him, "Is this still about the Jongdae guy?"

Chanyeol remains silent, so his friend adds, "Why don't you try talking to him? Like I said, to get some closure." Chanyeol shrugs the thought and his friend rolls his eyes. "Why don't you try inviting him the next round?"

♫

After a few days, Chanyeol sees Jongdae once again. He musters up the courage to approach Jongdae. Just before he gets to say hi, Jongdae, similar to before, smiles and walks towards him.

"Wow, so you're not avoiding me this time." Jongdae says with a grin.

"What? Me? Avoiding you? Pfft. No I'm not." Chanyeol says taken aback. He didn't think Jongdae would notice how much he's avoiding him.

"Oh come on Yeollie." Chanyeol reddens at the nickname. "Don't tell me I'm wrong. We've known each other long enough for me to know when you're lying or not."

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry. I admit I was avoiding you but that was only because it was so long since we've last seen each other. I thought you didn't want to talk to me." Chanyeol says, scratching the back of his head.

"Why wouldn't I want to talk to you?" Jongdae says sadly. "You know we're still friends right?"

"I guess so."

"So to make up for it, why don't we eat lunch and hang out sometime?" Jongdae says with a grin.

They were chatting and catching up for a while until it was time to say goodbye. The once radiant sky has now turned a darker shade. From morning until nighttime they spent their time together. How ironic it is that they’ve parted ways long ago and now time has brought them back together. But not in the way that Chanyeol wished for.

♫

The days ebbed by slowly. Chanyeol couldn't bear having to wait one more day. In the heady heat of the day it was as tempting as having ice water, Chanyeol really wants them to spend their time together. He busies himself by constructing different scenarios for the date ahead that he falls asleep on his couch. He slept for hours long until finally when he wakes up he is greeted by a new day — the scheduled lunch-date.

Chanyeol can't hide his enthusiasm. He goes through his clothes looking for the perfect outfit. After a mountain pile of clothes, he finally finds the right one. He chooses a simple black tee partnered light washed jeans. 

The restaurant they chose was a vintage looking one with a beautiful view of the ocean wherein it is only a few walks away from the beach. Chanyeol and Jongdae arrive at a restaurant at almost the same time, with Chanyeol walking in front towards their assigned table. Chanyeol is on his way to sit down when suddenly he catches himself stoping to pull out Jongdae's chair for him which makes Jongdae smile his sunshine like smile and utters a small thank you. Going to his sit, Chanyeol jokingly points to his chair signaling Jongdae to pull it for him too. Jongdae, in return stands up from his chair and does so, but not without producing a small chuckle. When he was about to sit down, Jongdae teases Chanyeol by asking him, "What about me? Who's going to pull it out for me?" After their small teasing, both men begin to sit down.

Jongdae begins to scan the menu excitedly. Meanwhile, Chanyeol who is seating across from him, pretends to be scanning the menu. Instead he observes Jongdae as he excitedly flips each page similar to how a child would. After a while, with their orders having been decided, they each dictate their food choices to the worker.

With the waiter gone they are only left with awkward silence, they look at each others' eyes silently yet with bright smiles on their faces. Chanyeol breaks the silence by asking, "Have you been well?" but not without stuttering. To rid of the awkward atmosphere and tension, they chose to laugh Chanyeol's stuttering off instead of dwelling into it more.

They spend the whole day catching up and learning new things about each other. They sat there, engrossed in each other that they barely notice the changes in their surroundings. After their meal together they decide to check out the scenic view outside. The ocean was gentle with the sunset like an orange paint on a blue and transparent canvas. It rose and fell with rhythmic ease.

Chanyeol and Jongdae spent their time lying flat on the shore as if they were paper, the calm breeze kissing them gently. Everything was so serene, in only a few moments Jongdae is fast asleep, his body relaxed as he breathes steadily with the enthralling wave-music on the background. Chanyeol was humming a song stuck in his head when he notices his love deep asleep, he can't help but observe Jongdae. 

_When you were here before_

_Couldn't look you in the eye_

_You're just like an angel_

_Your skin makes me cry_

How angelic he looks sleeping, he can't help but think although he wasn't surprised. Jongdae always looks so angelic, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. Oh how much he wishes to make him his again. He would do anything just to have this beauty back.

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

And I wish I was special

You're so fuckin' special

Everything about Jongdae was so flawless, faultless. How can someone so special exist in such a world, Chanyeol can't help but wonder. Jongdae remains so humane even with cruelty existing. Jongdae just continues to amaze him everyday.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

The first time they communicated after a long time, Chanyeol was flabbergasted that Jongdae would still want to talk to him after everything he has done. He doesn't even believe he deserves it. Chanyeol shrugs of all negative thoughts. What matters is now, he has Jongdae by his side again.

That day Chanyeol felt so ecstatic, he never wished for the day to end. But sadly, at some point, their date will come to an end. Before they bid each other goodbye, Chanyeol remembers to invite Jongdae to their upcoming Battle of the Bands event in which Jongdae gladly agrees to.

♫

Days past after their date with them always running unto each other. Every time they see each other they never fail to have a small talk or hangout. This, of course catches the attention of Chanyeol's friends. They feel relieved to see him happy but at the same time there are still reservations. Although he is clearly happy, there is still in no doubt the feeling that something missing which Chanyeol and his friends can't quite ignore. This is what leads to Chanyeol's decision to confess his feelings once again to Jongdae on the day of their performance.

Time passes by so fast dissolving like a mirage across a desert. It felt like seconds ago when he first saw Jongdae once again after a few years. Now here is Chanyeol, on a stage performing once again just like when he saw him but this time he is not so surprised to see Jongdae. Because this time, he is the one who invited him here.

♫

They started the performance with a song about loving someone so much that they can never ever be replaced in one's heart. This song also portrays how a person would be willing to do anything for the person they love.

Chanyeol tries to find Jongdae in the crowd but he can't see him anywhere. He really wanted to sing this song while looking at Jongdae straight in the eye.

_Cause I love you mo’, love you mo’ baby_

_Cause I love you mo’_

_Tell me what you need cause I love you mo’_

Chanyeol remembers the first time he confessed to Jongdae — how nervous he was and everything that happened next. Jongdae didn't believe him at first, he even thought Chanyeol was just playing a prank on him. That is until he noticed the seriousness in Chanyeol's eyes. Knowing that Chanyeol is genuine brought a huge smile on Jongdae's face. He then hugged Chanyeol so tight that Chanyeol never wanted to let go.

_If I could just forget, it would be easier but_

_Just as I was back then, I’m here still unchanged_

_The pain as if a dagger_

_Stabbed me in the heart_

_No one can replace you, nobody_

Coincidentally, Chanyeol would once again be confessing his feelings for the love of his life. No one can ever replace Jongdae in Chanyeol's eyes. He would forever keep a special place for him in his heart.

_You’re also unchanged as well, right?_

_Why did we let them go?_

_Our hands, now I’ll go to you_

_Find me, temperature rising_

Just as clear as his memory of his confession, the memory of their break up remains unclouded. This makes Chanyeol question what went wrong? He is filled with what ifs and if onlys. He chooses to brush those thoughts off as he looks forward to today.

_Cause I’m_

_Lovin’ you mo’ compared to yesterday_

_Lovin’ you mo’ I’m starting to love you_

_The time we spend separated_

_Baby cause I’m_

_Lovin’ you mo’ compared to yesterday_

_Lovin’ you mo’ compared to a second ago_

They have been apart for some years. But, instead of Chanyeol's feelings dying down, he feels as if his love for Jongdae intensified. The more they were apart, the greater his love for him become.

_I’m yearning for you_

_I’m missing you, I’m missing you_

The song finishes with Chanyeol scanning the crowd once again searching for Jongdae. But just like the first time that day, he fails to locate him.

They sing a few more song before their performance finishes. The moment it ended, Chanyeol quickly searched for his phone to send a text to Jongdae. After only a few seconds of him sending the message, he receives a reply from Jongdae telling him to meet him outside the venue.

Chanyeol excitedly runs off to their meeting place. One turn left and he already spots Jongdae even from a distance. The smile on his face waver a little as he sees Jongdae with another man. They seem too close from Chanyeol's point of view. He notices how the other guy is so clingy with Jongdae. Chanyeol shrugs off those thoughts. Maybe they're really just close friends or relatives even. He tries to put a smile on his face once again.

The other man puts his hand on Jongdae's waist and holds him protectively the closer Chanyeol got to them. The moment Chanyeol is right in front of them, the more protective the hold of the other man to Jongdae's waist. This clearly brings some tension around the three. Jongdae tries to ease it by introducing both men to each other.

Gesturing at Chanyeol, Jongdae introduces him to the other, "I want you to meet my friend, Chanyeol." Jongdae then gestures at the other man, "Chanyeol, meet my best friend, Baekhyun."

"Soon to be boyfriend." Baekhyun interrupts.

Jongdae lightly pinches Baekhyun who in turn acts as if he was pinched hard. "Who said I was going to be your boyfriend?" Jongdae teases.

"Aww. I'm hurt, doll." Baekhyun says acting hurt.

Jongdae and Baekhyun continue their banter as if not noticing that Chanyeol is still there. Their closeness irks Chanyeol who tries to keep his emotions in check. Chanyeol feels a heavy weight on his shoulders the longer he is staying with them.

"By the way we enjoyed your perf---"

"Please excuse me for a second." Chanyeol quickly interrupts. This changes Jongdae's mood and he loses the smile on his face.

"Are you ok?" he asks.

"Yeah...I just remembered I have to do something." Chanyeol says unconvincingly. Chanyeol walks fast away from them. When they are out of sight he takes a run.

♫

A few days after their performance, Chanyeol once again avoids running into Jongdae. Days turned into weeks. Jongdae tried reaching out to Chanyeol by sending him numerous messages. Chanyeol chooses to ignore each message. Day by day, Chanyeol looked glum. As each day passed, he became even sulkier. His friends tried to comfort him but he chooses to be alone most of the time until one day.

Chanyeol walks alone in the corridor when he hears something that catches his attention. He goes to check it out. That is when he sees Jongdae. He quickly turns to leave but not fast enough for him not to be noticed by Jongdae.

"Yeollie." Jongdae says softly which causes Chanyeol to wince. Chanyeol feels awkwardness surrounding them as if they are strangers.

"Ca-can I come in?" Chanyeol asks, coughing a little to hide his stuttering.

"Sure." Chanyeol enters the room quietly, avoiding Jongdae's eyes.

"What song were you playing?" Chanyeol asks softly Jongdae almost didn't catch it.

"Oh this? It's just something stuck on my mind." Jongdae says. "It's actually a song I’m trying to write but I can’t seem to finish it.” Jongdae continues with a soft chuckle while scratching the back of his head.

Once again they are left with an awkward silence.

"Would you like to listen to it?" Jongdae asks. "Maybe you can help me with it. Since, you know, you're good in composing and all."

"Sure, if that's okay with you."

Jongdae plays the piano and starts the song.

_Let’s talk about all those things that we couldn’t say_

_When the breeze flows gently around us_

_Let’s sit face to face_

_And talk about our breakup_

Chanyeol sits across from Jongdae and observes him as he sings each word for him. Listening to the lyrics, even though the song just started, makes Chanyeol emotional. The fact that Kim Jongdae sings like an angel also affects him. Jongdae is not only beautiful outside but also deep within. Just like his voice, he is angelic.

_When April fades away_

_Let’s walk away as if_

_Nothing’s wrong_

_So that our last goodbye_

_Will be beautiful_

_Just smile a little longer until then_

_Smile_

The song feels so much like a goodbye he can almost feel tears dropping from his eyes. Up until now he didn't want to let go.

_Even if I comfort you_

_And ask why you’ve changed_

_You drift away_

_So meet someone_

_That’s better than me_

_I hope you can smile with him_

The next few lyrics gets to him that he can't prevent the tears from falling anymore. He loves Jongdae so much that he is willing to let him go even if he didn't want to. As long as Jongdae gets to smile his big bright smile, Chanyeol might be alright. Although he knows they won't get back together he decides to confess after the song ends for both their sakes.

_As you drift away_

_You fade away_

_Because we loved each other_

_Let’s say our last goodbyes_

_I pray that before this time ends_

_You can find happiness_

_Let’s not forget our love_

_You and me_

_Us_

_Together_

The duration of the song feels like their relationship's lifeline, the moment it ends everything would be decided. Chanyeol knows for sure that he would force himself towards Jongdae. Even though it hurts, he is willing to give Jongdae that beautiful goodbye. The song ends with both of them having tears in their eyes.

"It's beautiful." Chanyeol says, with tears still falling. "Beautiful like you." he continues. Jongdae tries to interrupt but Chanyeol raises both his hands to stop him.

"I know you already found someone and I'm not expecting you to return my feelings." he says so Jongdae listens. "I love you, Kim Jongdae. With all my heart, soul, and my whole being. Always have and always will. I love you so much that I would choose your happiness over my own. My only wish is for you to be happy."

"I kind of figured that out when you ran away and ignored me but still I'm sorry." Jongdae says softly as if talking to a child.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." Chanyeol replies. They look at each other sadly. "Jongdae, I understand. We broke up a long time ago, it's only natural that you have moved on."

"But still--"

"I want you to be happy, Kim Jongdae." Chanyeol interrupts.

"Thank you, Chanyeol." Jongdae says while crying. "This song is actually for you."

"Oh? For me." Chanyeol asks but not really surprised given the lyrics.

"It has been stuck in my head since our breakup." Jondae says. "I also want you to be happy, for real."

"Thanks, you too."

"So, friends?" Jongdae says offering his hand which Chanyeol accepts. They smile a bittersweet one.

"Yes, friends." Chanyeol replies. "Since we're okay. I want to invite you to our last performance. It would really mean a lot if you would come." Chanyeol says scratching the back of his head. "You can bring Baekhyun along too." Chanyeol adds which brings a smile on Jongdae's face.

"We'll watch you guys for sure."

♫

Chanyeol's group performed three songs. They are down to their fourth one, the last one - a very recent song. Before starting, he scans the crowd one last time recognizing a few faces. Somewhere in the middle stands Jongdae with his new lover, Baekhyun. There at the back is the ballet dancer Chanyeol always runs into, Kim Jongin. Seeing him there is a big surprise for Chanyeol. He never sees the young man attending their events, or maybe he was just not looking. He was always so focused on Jongdae after seeing him for the first time again.

He tries recalling their performances. Thinking about it now, Kim Jongin has always been there. Although they weren't what you would consider as close, Chanyeol deem him to be his friend. He, too, has a special place in Chanyeol's heart. Although it was seldom, there were times when Kim Jongin would comfort him during his breakup with Jongdae. So when the ballet dancer looks him in the eye, Chanyeol gives him a big and genuine smile.

Looking around, he also sees Sehun, his childhood friend. Just beside him is Junmyeon, Sehun's best friend — lover. He recognizes some more faces; a big number of them his friends, some acquaintances, some classmates, and some faces he doesn't recognize.

After going-over the crowd, he begins singing their final song. The last song is one that he is most proud of. This song also has a special place in his heart for it is filled with his feelings. Chanyeol hopes that the crowd would love it.

_If we’re born again, if we love again_

_Let’s not do this again_

_Let’s meet a little less, let’s hope a little less_

_Let’s not make many promises_

How cruel life is that hearts keep on beating even after a heartbreak. He fell so deep that he begins to question if he can even move forward after that. But he wants to — he needs to — Life will continue moving. Even without him, Jongdae's world would go on turning. 

_So even if we say goodbye_

_We can turn away without much pain_

_Let’s only make light memories that we can throw away_

_In each other’s hearts_

So much raw emotions in their past relationship. Memories that are too deep, they are engraved in his heart. He hopes, but never regrets, that they have only done things that can easily forgotten. If only they didn't cherish each other so much, would it hurt less. So many if onlys and what ifs but Chanyeol would rather Jongdae find someone new than never having the chance to love him. As the saying goes, it's better to have loved and hurt than never to have loved at all.

_Now I know that a love too deep_

_Brings a sad ending_

_My love, I’ll pray for your next love_

_That it won’t be like us, that it’ll be without pain_

_Even if a lot of time passes and we forget each other_

_Let’s reminisce our past days, ooh_

_If we can say that this was love_

_Then that’s all we need_

He was hurt, yes, they both wore. But that doesn't mean that their relationship was all pain. Chanyeol can recall the times Jongdae would always try to cheer him whenever he feels stressed out. Or the time they go on dates, visiting new places and trying new things. Their sweet moments together can never be neglected. Memories of the past that they would always keep close on their hearts.

_Now I know that a love too deep_

_Brings a sad ending_

_My love, I’ll pray for your next love_

_That it won’t be like us, that it’ll be without pain_

Chanyeol's emotions is comparable to a music of a great orchestra, at times quiet but then it would rise to a cresendo. So he prays to whatever God is watching that Jongdae would just be happy in this life and the next. How he wishes that Kim Jongdae would have a beautiful ending with his new love. At the same time, he too wishes for him to find a new love.

_Na na, please be happier than me_

_Na na, I hope the sky knows my heart_

The song ends with tears falling from Chanyeol's eyes as he accepts that he and Jongdae could never be together again. Although his life will never be the same without Jongdae's smile he begins to accept that Kim Jongdae's heart belongs to someone else now. From where he stands, he can clearly see how happy Jongdae is with Baekhyun. He realizes that this is the perfect time to let go, and so he does. In time Chanyeol believes that he too will find the perfect one for him. Someone who would return the same amount of love he gives. Maybe after a while they would see each other's smiles again with both of their new lovers. How bittersweet is their goodbye. But from that goodbye comes a new beginning for both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> songs used:  
> 소름 Chill by EXO  
> 봄 여름 가을 겨울 SSFW by CHANYEOL  
> Creep by Radiohead  
> Lovin' You Mo' by EXO  
> 사월이 지나면 우리 헤어져요 Beautiful Goodbye by CHEN  
> 다시 사랑한다면 If We Loved Again by 도원경
> 
> 다시 사랑한다면 (If We Loved Again) was a great inspiration for this fic. Although this isn't a song by EXO or Chanyeol, their (Jongdae and Chanyeol) cover of this really made me emotional.
> 
> https://youtu.be/U-wDvImWXtA  
> https://youtu.be/JrOrlhjIYVk  
> https://youtu.be/v-cQvm6-rPw - 다시 사랑한다면 : 도원경  
> https://youtu.be/OZHTA32fGfM - 다시 사랑한다면 rearranged : 엑소 첸, 엑소 찬열


End file.
